


Our own world

by carpediembitches



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Slow Burn, Suicide attempt mentioned, anderperry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:34:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28432503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpediembitches/pseuds/carpediembitches
Summary: Instead of just handing the cigarette to Todd, Neil placed that cigarette between Todd's pink lips and held it there while Todd inhaled. He brought it back to him when Todd let go and blew, coughing a bit. Neil grinned and laughed that stupid laugh of his and brought the cigarette to his own lips."That was good...good puff.""I know, right." Neil raised his eyebrows and inhaled more and more. "Want more?"
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 1
Kudos: 59





	Our own world

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Let's just take in the fact that Neil's dad is allowing Neil to continue Welton and do acting in the side if he wants to but otherwise it's pretty much the same. No one ends up dead here!

Todd Anderson jolted awake from his dream- no, nightmare- and breathed heavily, remembering his roommate sleeping soundly on the bed next to him. He put his hands over his mouth and tried to contain his breath, but he knew it wouldn't help one bit. 

"Todd?" a raspy voice said from the darkness. Neil Perry had sat up, rubbing his eyes, woken up due to some stirring and sounds from Todd's direction. 

"Y-Yeah?" Todd tried to swallow his tears and make Neil get back to bed and not make a big deal out of this. He didn't want to seem weak in front of his eyes. Well, that's crazy talking. Even he knew that. Todd knew he could never look weak in front of Neil, even if he tried to. Neil was just...something else. He didn't judge, he was patient with Todd's poor stutter and he even shushed their friends when they were getting impatient. Todd appreciated that but right now he didn't need Neil to worry about him. 

"Are you crying?" Neil asked softly and squinted his eyes in the dark to see Todd sitting cross-legged on the bed, the cover waved around his hips and his palms covering his eyes. "Todd?" Neil asked again but this time got up and sat next to the crying boy. 

"Was it a bad dream?" he suggested, worry growing in his voice. Todd let out a shaky breath and shrugged. "Would you look at me?" 

And when Todd shook his head furiously, Neil gently placed his hands around Todd's wrists and pulled them down, earning a frustrated huff from Todd who looked away. "I-It was a nightmare...Neil, I..." 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" 

"I-It's the same as always...We're in the cave- you and me and the others, I mean- and I-I'm reading a poem I wrote and-and when I open my eyes, you're all gone and there's a bunch of people laughing at me and just l-looking and staring and pointing and then they uh...uh corner me and just....just...j-just..." Todd couldn't finish his sentence when he burst in tears once again. Neil frowned sadly and put his hand on Todd's shoulder. 

"You know we'd never laugh at you." he said and Todd nodded, swallowing his tears and mucus. "No, I know...I know...B-But in my old school they did. And other people here." 

Neil tilted his head a bit and smiled sadly but not pitifully because Todd needed everything but pity right now. "Whoever laughs at you and your poems are just insecure cause they could never write such vibrant poems. I'm serious, Todd. I've met some great people over these 17 years of my life and never have I met a person like you. A person so...so vigorous and authentic. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, the way the others see you...or mr Keating. We all think you're an amazing persona. You got nothing to be embarrassed or shamed about. I promise." 

Todd wiped a tear off his red and blotchy cheek and hummed. "Thanks Neil...you mean that?" 

"Of course I mean that. Todd, don't be so hard on yourself. I'll even make it my mission to make you appreciate yourself." Neil smiled and tapped his shoulder. "C'mon...Go get some sleep. Everything seems rough during the night when you're tired. We'll talk more in the morning." 

Todd just smiled, not daring to say a word to Neil cause he was so scared of his thoughts right now. Neil thought he was amazing. Neil thought he was vigorous and what was it...authentic. Todd has never even thought such words of himself. Damn Neil Perry. He felt his cheeks burn at the words that was just meant to him and the still fiery spot on his shoulder where Neil had placed his soft hand. Todd laid down quietly, looking over at Neil, who was just turning his back to Todd. The blonde boy sighed an inaudible sigh and shut his eyes, not a worry in his head at that very moment. 

* * *

The next day Todd wouldn't stop staring at Neil. His brown hair, which had been ran through Neil's fingers enough to stay out of his face. His mesmerizing hazel eyes, which grew slightly bigger when he put his reading glasses on. Todd can't even get started how attractive Neil looks with his glasses on. And his wide grin when Mr Keating says something...well, Keating-like. Todd isn't even paying attention to the class. He's just glancing over his shoulder every chance he gets, getting a glimpse of Neil. Todd sighs dreamily. 

"Mr Anderson!" he hears a voice say near his face. He snapped his head towards the voice, which he knew belonged to Mr Keating. "I see your deep in thought. Which, don't get me wrong, I do love. Being in your own world isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes you do need an escape from his god gracious awful place that is world. Because in your own world, there aren't rules, there aren't orders to complify. You can just be...you. Isn't that right, Todd?" 

"Uh...Y-Yeah...No rules..." Todd nods shyly and turns bright red and he hears a few snickers behind him. He knows Neil isn't laughing but maybe he's smiling. He tends to do that. Not because he would consider this situation funny but because he knows how hard it's for Todd to speak but how proud he is that Todd's still doing it and doing great. That made Todd feel a little bit better, knowing Neil always has his back. 

"In fact, I want you all to go to your own world. Not right now but sometime during this week. As you probably know already, you all should compose a poem by Friday and what about? Of course about the own world that is only yours and no one else's. I want you to tell me what you see, you feel, you think. Embrace it, whatever it is. Doesn't matter. We all have a special place where we sometimes escape. And I want to hear about them on Friday." 

Todd shut his eyes and cursed in his mind. He hated reading out loud and everyone knew that. The only time he's read out loud in class was then he didn't complete the assignment and ended up making up a poem on the spot in front of everyone. It was a great poem, he knows, but he hated the feeling of being watched. 

The bell rang, dismissing the class finally from the last class of the day. Todd quickly gathered his stuff and was about to flee out of the class to his dorm, quietly forcing his aggressive thoughts about holding hands with Neil and maybe even kissing h-

"Todd! Wait!" Neil ran after him and caught up pretty quick. "Where are you off to in such a rush, Mr poet?" 

Todd smiled a lopsided smirk which quickly dropped. "I'm just a bit tired." 

"Oh." Neil's smile dropped. "You're still coming to the meeting later, right?" 

"I don't know Neil..." Todd shrugged as they reached their dorm. The smaller boy put his bag on the desk chair and sat on his bed, looking up at Neil who was dumbfounded. 

"What do you mean you don't know? You have to come!" Neil begged and squat down in front of Todd, now looking up at him. Todd knew he wouldn't last long with Neil's puppy eyes looking up at him so sweetly. 

"I just...I just think it's..." Todd couldn't find the right words. 

"It's what, Todd?" 

"Dumb." 

Wrong word. 

"You think it's _dumb_?" Neil repeated, raising an eyebrow and looking sort of hurt. 

"Well no, not dumb! I-I do like the idea but I'm scared. I don't even read anything in there..." Todd panicked but his voice went right above a whisper as he looked at Neil’s face. 

"Oh Todd, TODD!" Neil sighed and smiled. "It doesn't matter. I know I got mad at you before when you weren't doing anything in there but that was when I didn't know you. I know now that you're...well, like you said back then, not like me. And that's good! Imagine the world full of Neil Perries." 

Todd laughed a little but thought to himself that a world full of Neil Perries would be the most best thing that would ever happen. Maybe at least then one would like him back. 

"I'm not forcing you to come but nobody is minding you just sitting and listening. And we all know you're a great poet anyways...just...whenever you're ready." Neil assured and touched Todd's hand and got up. 

"Will you be joining me for dinner?" Neil turned around before opening the door. 

"Uhm...I'm good." Todd lied. He was hungry as hell and his stomach was screaming but yet he didn't feel like eating. Neil shrugged and left the room leaving poor Todd all alone. He grabbed his notebook from his desk drawer and stared at the blank paper. Now that he was thinking about it...what was his own world. He couldn't possibly write about Neil. Because that's what it only was. Holding Neil, kissing Neil and all that lovey dovey gooey crap. Why was Todd even so sure he liked him anyways? He's just another kid. Another boy. 

But Todd couldn't just make stuff up for his own world. He wasn't capable of doing that. He could only write what he felt. What he truly felt. Maybe that's why all of his poems just somehow touched him. It wasn't just random words on a paper. It was words from his soul on the paper. 

He didn't even notice the track of time when Neil returned to their room. "Hey Todd. Still writing?" 

Todd looked up and nodded, glancing at the clock. "I didn't even know it's been 45 minutes." 

Neil chuckled and tossed him an apple. "Here. I snuck this out for you." 

Todd looked at the bright red apple in his hands and smiled gratefully at Neil. "Thanks..." 

Yup. He was sure he was in love with Neil.

* * *

Neil threw his pen across the room. It landed by Todd's feet. The brunette groaned in frustration from his desk and put his hands over his face. "Todd, how do you do it? How do you just write and create perfection?" 

Todd blushed slightly and put his notebook aside and walked to Neil. "Is it the own world poem?" 

"Yeah, that's the one. I can't think of anything...Well, I mean I know my own world and what I think about but..." he sighed and shook his head. "I can't put it into words." 

"Sometimes when that happens I just like to close my eyes and hold the pen and write the words that come to mind. Then I just connect them. Add some fancy words and stuff like that." Todd smiled a bit, genuinely trying to help his friend out. Neil looked over his shoulder at Todd, who's breath hitched in his throat. Why does Neil always have that twinkle in his eyes?

"Great tip, Todd! Thank you, that's genuinely good advice. I owe you one!" Neil turned back around and shut his eyes tightly. Todd looked for a moment until returning to his bed, knowing art doesn't happen when you're waiting for it. Which is why he tossed his notebook to the side and went to lay down. He heard Neil writing something and turned his head slightly so he could see the contrast of Neil in his blue sweater. 

Todd needed to stop dreaming about Neil. For god's sake he goes to a catholic school. Why exactly that is? He's not a believer. So why is he here? Well, that's cause of Jeff. Stupid Jeff. Stupid Todd's parents and their high hopes. 

A knock on the door. Neil let out a small 'damnit'. His train of thought probably was caught. That made Todd smile. He knew exactly how that felt. Well...Neil didn't even have to say anything to falter his focus on the poems and homework and literally anything he did. Even brushing his hair in front of Neil was suffering. What if he just drops the hairbrush? Embarrassing. 

"Nuwanda" Neil stated in an exasperated sigh. 

Charlie smiled. "You remembered." He walked in like he owned the place and laid down next to Todd, who was not used to Charlie getting so close. 

"Hey I'm actually working on the poem so if you could just shut up, yeah?" Neil said before Charlie had the chance to even breath. 

"What's with this one?" Charlie whispered to Todd who was smiling at Neil a little bit who turned the favor and rolled his eyes and sat back down to write his poem. "I just wanna finish this. I'm on a roll now." 

"Mind if I smoke a few?" Charlie asked mostly from Todd. The blonde boy shrugged and nodded hesitantly. "J-Just open the window." 

Charlie did just that and lit the cigarette and blew the smoke out into the January air. The three of them were quiet and Todd grew fond of it. He even appreciated Nuwanda being silent, just enjoying the sound of the wind whistling outside and Neil's pen scribbling something furiously on the paper. The cigarette smoke faintly flowed around the room but it didn't mind anyone. Todd couldn't remember the last time he felt so at peace. He had been so caught up with thinking of Neil and not even talking about homework that he had forgotten to let go at some point. It felt good. Letting go felt good. 

"Done!" Neil exclaimed startling Todd who was about to fall asleep. "Todd could you maybe read it..." 

"Me?" Todd prepped himself up on his elbows. 

"Yes you. You're the poet. I wanna hear your opinion." Neil shoved the paper to Todd who blinked a few times before reading over the lines. He smiled a little and looked back at Neil. "This is amazing, Neil. You captured your feelings perfectly." 

"Can I see too?" Charlie grinned at Neil who shook his head. "No, that was for Todd only." 

Charlie cocked an eyebrow and looked at the eye contact between the two boys, before shrugging and going back to smoking. 

Another knock on the door revealed Knox and Meeks wanting to come in too due to boredom. Not long until the room was packed with the Society members only this time smoking cigarettes and not reading poems. 

Later that night they were once again heading towards the Indian cave. Meeks and Pitts running in the front, defeating the speed of light, Charlie and Knox close behind, Cameron after them and Neil and Todd in the behind. 

"Thanks for the help with the poem today" Neil let out a laugh but he really meant it. "It's not everyday you get advice from the best poet around." 

"You're overexaggerating." Todd shook his head and fastened his pace because he didn't enjoy flushing red every time Neil complimented him. Or even spoke to him. Or looked at him...

"Maybe so but I still mean it. Really, Todd. Thanks." 

Todd didn't respond to that. He only smiled and tried to avoid Neil's gaze and run after the others who were already at the cave. 

All of them took their seats while Neil read Act 1, Scene 1 of Hamlet. The night continued the guys each taking turns, well, except Todd and everyone was more than fine with that. The smoke from the cigarettes filled the cave once again, just like every night they were there. Neil inhaled a deep breath of the deadly smoke and blew it out. He looked over at Todd who was looking a bit lost. 

"Hey" Neil nudged Todd's arm, making the other one turn around. "Want some?" 

Todd looked at the cigarette between Neil's fingers. The taller one was offering him a puff from that cancer roll but how could Todd say no to that. 

"I know you don't really smoke but you look like you could use some relief" Neil shrugged. 

Todd loved how he was never forced into doing anything. Maybe that one more reason why he adored and appreciated Neil so badly. He gave in to the temptation and nodded. Instead of just handing the cigarette to Todd, Neil placed that cigarette between Todd's pink lips and held it there while Todd inhaled. He brought it back to him when Todd let go and blew, coughing a bit. Neil grinned and laughed that stupid laugh of his and brought the cigarette to his own lips. 

Todd smiled at the stupidness of the scene while still coughing. He tapped his chest a few times before looking at Neil with glossy eyes. "That was good...good puff." 

"I know, right." Neil raised his eyebrows and inhaled more and more. "Want more?" 

Todd nodded and when Neil brought his hand against to hold the cigarette between the other one's lips, Todd took a hold of Neil's slightly bigger hand and held it in place. This time the smoke didn't leave Todd coughing a fit, but he calmly exhaled the grey smoke into the air. 

On the opposite side of Neil and Todd, Meeks and Charlie were looking at them intently. Well to be fair, all of the other boys were looking at them. Smirking, looking at each other and making surprised emotions. 

"Guys we should probably head back." Pitts was finally sighing after looking at this little act Neil and Todd had put up. 

That was followed by murmurs of agreement and Todd flinching, not even remembering they were in the cave with five other boys who had probably seen all of that. This time Todd didn't stay waiting for Neil to gather his stuff. No, Todd was out of the cave in a flash and now walking by Charlie's side. He was too in shock of what just happened. And besides, if he waited for Neil it would be even more suspicious. He didn't need the suspicions. Neither did Neil. 

"Heey Todd" Charlie greeted the other one smugly and smiled a little. "You look a bit flushed." 

"Oh no...No it's just the air..." Todd grew even more red and tried to cover his cheeks but it didn't do any justice to him. 

"Look, Anderson. I won't tell anyone if-" 

"Tell anyone what? Nothing to tell" Todd quickly intervened and stopped walking. Maybe he shouldn't have. That's suspicious. Charlie looked a bit pitiful at this point and Todd didn't like it. He just shook his head and looked behind them to see Neil coming in last just Knox and Pitts in front of him. 

"Suite yourself son" Charlie shrugged and continued walking. Todd stood there for a while in the snow while the little flakes were covering his shoulders and head. 

"Dreamer! Let's move!" Neil walked up to him and tapped him on the back. "Unless you want to stay...?" he slowed his pace, actually willing to stay with Todd. He just needed to say the word and Neil would do it. 

"Uhm, no...Let's just go inside. Sorry." Todd shook his head. Neil smiled and waited for Todd to catch up to him. Once the smaller boy was next to Neil, the brunette wrapped his arm around Todd and shook him a bit. 

"Knox, look..." Pitts whispered after looking back. Knox looked over his shoulder at Neil and Todd who were laughing at something Neil had said, his arm still holding Todd tightly. 

"What were we expecting, really..." Knox shrugged and kicked some snow onto Charlie's shins. 

"What the fuck, Overstreet?" Charlie turned around, spreading his arms but as he noticed the other two boys throwing their heads back a bit towards Neil and Todd, Charlie rolled his eyes so hard that his eyes were white for a second. 

"I so fucking called it" he hissed and entered the building. 

* * *

"Good Friday boys!" Keating informed once he entered the classroom. "I'm very thrilled to hear the poems you have composed for our ears to hear today. In fact so thrilled I don't even want to wait any longer. Who would go first?" 

"Sir, if I may?" Charlie lifted his hand a bit warning a clap from Keating. "Wonderful Mr Dalton! The stage is all yours." 

The stage. Todd hated that word. 

The stage. Neil loved that word. 

Charlie went on about wording something about freedom and stuff, next went Knox who obviously wrote it about Chris, then Pitts and Meeks about rockets and trees. Then was Neil's turn. 

Todd smiled as he saw how Neil's confidence grew to the size of Jupiter. Neil took a deep breath and glanced at Todd. Then he opened his mouth:

_"I don't quite see it,_

_reach it,_

_understand it._

_Someone is there to welcome me_

_out of here._

_Can't quite wrap my head around you._

_But still it's you._

_Don't know who._

_Why won't you yield?"_   
  


"Excellent work Mr Perry." Keating stood up from the windowsill and tapped Neil's shoulder smiling at him widely. "I'm taking it you don't quite understand your own world?" 

"Yeah, it's like..blurry. I might say blurry. I know when I'm there, when I space out sometimes but it's difficult to understand it." Neil explained and got an understanding nod from Keating. 

There was no words left to say about it which led Keating to walk to Todd and snap his head out of his thoughts once again. How ironic. "Your turn Mr Anderson." 

Todd took a deep breath and tried to stand up but he physically couldn't. Keating grabbed his arm and pulled him up to his shaky legs. Todd slowly walked in front and took the slightly crumbled paper from his pocket. He had scribbled this just the night after they came out of the meeting. After Neil had borrowed his smoke to Todd. 

"I uhm..." Todd mumbled a bit and looked up at Neil who smiled reassuringly and Knox who gave a thumbs up to him. Charlie was also wooing muted to him, hands around his mouth. 

_"T-Thou ought to realize_

_but I don't desire it._

_What I desire is solely to be the moon to your bright sun._

_Solely to be with thou_

_but only in my hallucination_

_w-which I only- I only can vision."_

Todd lowered the paper and didn't even notice he had his eyes shut. He opened the slowly and looked straight at Neil who was at loss of words. Well, it wasn't like he was going to say anything but he just looked like that. If Todd was to go ask him something, an opinion on his poem maybe, Neil wouldn't be able to say anything. His lips were slightly parted and he looked at Todd like he had just shown him the world.

Charlie only smiled contently, knowing Todd would nail it. 

"A masterpiece, Mr Anderson." Keating said simply and spread his arms around. "Very personal I can see..." He looked like he was thinking while looking at the ground a bit. Todd was still standing in front of the class, now hyper aware of the eyes on him and getting sweaty all over. 

"C-Can I go back to my seat?" Todd asked quietly from Keating who flinched and nodded. "Yes, yes go right ahead." he walked to the spot where Todd had just stood and looked at the class. "I'm proud of you all. You did very great job. Some of you clearly giving us a vision of the world that is yours, some of you keeping it hidden but messaging us the feeling it gives you. Very, very fine work from all of you." 

* * *

Neil's knee was leaning against Todds. And Todd was afraid to move. He was frozen in his spot. Why does that little connection between them make him so unable to function. He slowly brought the fork into his mouth and chewed the mashed potatoes. He chewed mashed potatoes. Todd mentally just face palmed himself and swallowed to babyfood-like consistency. Neil looked over at Todd and his once against blushed cheeks. 

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Neil whispered and leaned towards Todd. 

"Y-Yeah of course." Todd nodded and turned his face to Neil which was much closer than expected. 

"Who was your poem about?" Neil asked excitedly to know the answer. 

"I uhm..." Todd laughed nervously. "Just...someone." 

"Who?" Neil pleaded. "I promise I won't tell anyone." 

"Well who was your poem about?" Todd distracted Neil from his own question and made the other one freeze for a moment. 

"I told in class. I don't know." 

"Well, I don't either." Todd shrugged. 

"Yes you do." Neil insisted and when Todd didn't respond, the brunette leaned even closer. "Fine just tell me in the dorm." 

Todd felt shivers go down his spine when he felt Neil's hot breath tickle his ear. He turned to look at the other boy who was smiling- no grinning- at him. 

"I won't tell you, Neil." Todd protested. He could sense Neil's frown even when he wasn't looking at him. Neil only sighed, letting it go for now. Todd knew Neil was not going to let go this easy but it was enough for now. He couldn't handle it right now, not at the dinner table. 

As they all were done and walking back to their dorms, Charlie pulled Neil to the side a bit. 

"When were you going to tell me you have a thing for Todd Anderson?" he asked a smile on his lips. Neil choked on his spit and quickly looked around to see the mentioned boy. 

"He left already." Charlie read Neil's mind and repeated his question one more time. 

"Where'd you even think of that?" Neil chuckled but he felt a slight blush on his cheeks. 

"Oh please! I see the hearteyes you give him. We all see it." Charlie rolled his eyes and shook Neil's shoulder. "Tell him, he likes you too!" 

Neil went even more red. "I really don't understand what you're saying. Todd's my roommate and nothing more. Well of course he's my friend but that's it. I don't love him anymore than you or the others." 

"You know I'm right, Perry. Don't deny the truth!" Charlie smirked and winked at him before disappearing to the crowd. "THE TRUTH!" he yelled from the end of the hall before going up the stairs. Neil stayed there and looked after him even though he was no longer there. People were passing him, bumping his shoulder a bit. 

This was bizarre. Neil was flabbergasted. He was not in love with Todd. Sure Todd was the most amazing person he'd ever met and his poems were like a savior in the dark cold evenings at Welton. And Neil finds himself quite often looking at the blonde boy, admiring him. Just him. But that doesn't count as love. 

Neil shook his head and walked to his and Todd's shared dorm room, finding the other boy already caught up with his trig homework. He looked quickly at Neil when he heard the door open. "Oh hey. Where'd you disappear?" 

Neil scratched his neck and shrugged. "Just...Nuwanda stuff." 

"Oh what'd he do?" Todd asked while solving the problems. 

"Not important." Neil sat on the end of Todd's bed and looked at how Todd did his homework. 

Todd sensed the stare and looked up at Neil, now completely stopping the work. "Is everything alright?" 

"Yeah everything is fine." Neil convinced but Todd could see right through him. "Is this about me not telling who the poem is about..."

"What? No! No of course not...I'm just..thinking." Neil looked away from Todd and leaned his head on the wall. "Thinking about love." 

"Love? What about it?" Todd leaned closer to Neil in his chair. 

"Have you ever been in love Todd?" Neil turned his gaze to Todd who blushed. 

"Well I...maybe once." Todd shrugged and felt like he's had enough of this conversation. He didn't like it when it shifted towards him and his life. Neil knew that but he didn't want to leave it at that. 

"Do you think the meaning of life is just finding the one and living it with them...for the rest of your life?" Neil pondered and sighed deeply. 

"The one...That's so cliche." Todd chuckled. 

"You don't believe in soulmates?" 

"Well...I believe there are people who would be more compatible with some people but...no, I don't. I do believe that there's that special someone for everyone but they might not be the perfect pair. But the love that they share is just too big and important that it doesn't matter how different they are. Don't you think...?" Todd explained but when he looked back at Neil, he saw the other one being completely mesmerized of Todd's words. 

"Yes! Yes I do think that..." Neil leaned against the table with his hands and put his chin resting against his forearms. "You're good with words when you don't really think about them." 

"I tend to overthink usually..." Todd shrugged. 

"I'm sorry. I interrupted your work. Please get back to it." Neil blinked and kept looking at Todd. 

"Are you...are you gonna just stare?" the blonde asked shyly. 

"Do you mind?" 

"Well I guess not..." Todd blushed and leaned on his hand while he dug back into his work, still feeling Neil's eyes burn into his scalp. But he sort of liked it. He liked when they were in silence, Neil looking at Todd when he worked on this god awful homework. He felt flushed, yes, but he enjoyed it too. He longed for quiet moments with Neil when it was just the two of them. 

* * *

"Alright, Charlie! Say I like Todd after all. What would I even say to him?" Neil burst into Charlie's and Cameron's room though it was only Charlie in there. He looked quite surprised but pleased when he had settled in the words what just had come out of Neil's mouth. 

"Sit." Charlie pointed at the desk chair, where Neil sat and spread his arms. "What am I gonna say?" 

"Flatter him. Compliments! Boys like that. Especially Todd. You out of all the people should know that" Charlie pointed a finger at Neil who looked taken back. "Me? Why me?" 

"So you don't see how blushed he gets whenever you compliment him? ' _Todd you're the best poet ever!' 'Todd you're so amazing_!'" Charlie mocked Neil earning a kick to the shin. "Do you want the advice or not?" Neil kept quiet and looked sternly at Charlie who continued. 

"Right, so...tell him you love his eyes, his lips, his hair, the way he parts his hair...in fact...tell him you love all his parts." Charlie wiggled his eyebrows. 

"Oh no, I can't say that." Neil looked desperately at his hands and then back up at Charlie. "That's it? That's your great advice?" 

"Hey, I didn't say it was great!" he defended himself and brought his hands in front of him. "Look, Neil, you're really the only one who really knows Todd. You know what you need to say. Maybe sleep over night and think about it a little bit. You'll figure it out. And pretty much whatever you say, Todd's gonna like cause he's just as smitten as you." 

"You're not just saying that, right? Cause I'm serious...I really do like him and this is gonna be super awkward if he doesn't like me back." Neil said warily and leaned on his knees. 

"I promise. Ask anyone. I'm pretty sure even Keating has picked up on you two." 

"Well that's a bit embarrassing..." Neil sighed but got up anyways. "Maybe a poem? Would he like that?" Charlie only shrugged and spread his arms. 

"I think he'd like that..." the brunette said mostly to himself. Then he just thanked Charlie and returned to the dark dorm room, where Todd was putting on his pajamas and once he heard Neil come back after a short visit to the opposite dorm, he quickly turned around to face the window while he was buttoning his shirt. The last thing Neil needed to see was his body. 

"Hey do you mind if I do some homework?" Neil asked as Todd was getting into bed. 

"Yeah go right ahead." Todd nodded. 

"So the light won't bother you?" Neil wanted to make sure where Todd shook his head from under the covers. "Good night, Neil." 

"Good night, Todd." 

* * *

The next day Neil felt like he was going to vomit. He was going to give the poem to Todd what he had written in the dark of the night till 1 AM. Todd had been soundly asleep, letting out soft snores, which oddly helped Neil to focus and just throw up words on the paper. He knew he wasn't as good as a writer as Todd but he also knew Todd appreciated whatever gesture Neil would do. 

The day rushed like a train just past Neil's eyes and after dinner he was about to wet himself. He's never been this nervous. Not even before A Midsummer Dream's Night. God he hasn't even thought about that night in a long time. He was terrified when his father dragged him out of the theater into the car. He remembers the look on Todd's face. He was so scared. He knew Todd wanted to run after him. He also remembers how his father was screaming about him going to military school and becoming a doctor. Neil couldn't even handle blood, how could he handle tearing someone's insides apart. And Neil remembers how cold the gun felt against his hands and his temple when he pipe was grazing against it. He remembers how his hands was trembling to pull the trigger. Why didn't he do it? And when he finally had the courage to pull it, his sweaty finger had slipped and missed the trigger completely. He had broken down on the floor sobbing. 

Neil shook his head. He didn't need to remember it. Nobody knew. His father didn't want anyone to know about Neil's attempt. But he promised Neil could stay here and act on the side if that's what he wanted. Neil also insisted that this wasn't Keating's fault. Neil was the only one to blame. At least in his head. No one knows what happened at the night of the play. Neil was back to school the next day, everyone congratulating him and patting him on the back. And that's all he wanted. He didn't need anyone to know about that night. Maybe someday he'd come clean but the only person who'd deserve to know the truth was Todd. 

"Hey Neil. Look. Milk mustache!" Meeks kicked Neil's leg under the table. The brunette looked over at the redhead, realizing he had zoned out for a couple minutes maybe. He gave his regular grin at Steven and took a gulp of his own milk glass and the liquid was now smeared over his upper lip. "That's hilarious." 

"You two are idiots!" Pitts shook his head while having two french fries stuck to his nose. 

"Ugh, gross Gerard!" Knox pretended to gag all while having his own milk mustache as well. 

Todd just looked at his stupid group of friends who were literally laughing at milk mustaches. He wouldn't want it any other way. So he drank the rest of his milk, leaving it linger above his lips. Neil looked over and smiled a great big smile, which would give anyone butterflies, but especially poor Todd who was head over heels for the brunette. 

"Sweet, we're matching!" Meeks laughed from the opposite side of the table and smiled at the two, who were only paying attention to each other. "Guys?" 

The others heard Meeks’ calls for Neil and Todd who were in their own world giggling at each other. 

"They dare to laugh without me!" Steven pursed his lips but couldn't contain the smile when he looked at his two friends who were sitting shoulder to shoulder. 

* * *

The Dead Poets Meeting went as well as always. Todd listening contently to the others and Neil and Todd once again sharing a cigarette. Charlie had his saxophone this time and he surprised everyone with the sweet tunes that came from the instrument. Pitts had snuck fancy pipes from god knows where and they replaced the cigarettes quickly. Even Todd got his own, which Neil lit and smiled how the pipe hung from Todd's lips. 

"What?" Todd blushed and took the pipe from his mouth. 

"Nothing." Neil shook his head and lit his own pipe. "Do you wanna read today?" 

Todd was taken back from that question but he didn't feel as much knots in his stomach this time. Maybe he was getting used to the guys. He thought for a while. He thought what he'd wanna read or maybe he had some of his own poems in the back of his head. He bit his lip as he remembered the poem what he was drafting the other day. It wasn't done but he knew the others were going to appreciate it.

"Yes." 

Neil coughed. He didn't expect that answer. He wasn't prepared but he loved this feeling. "Are you sure?" he wanted to make sure Todd was completely comfortable. 

"Yeah. I want to." Todd assured, feeling the nervousness building in his stomach. 

"Guys! Guys, Todd's gonna read something!" Neil rose his voice, which made all of them go quiet, but only for a moment. After that all of them were wooing and whistling at Todd who stood up and looked at the guys for a bit. 

"I've been writing another poem and it's uh...not done yet but I thought I'd just...give it a go..." 

"Give it a go and another one!" Knox reassured as the others nodded assuring. Neil just looked at Todd and waited. 

_"You don't know what it does to me_

_Flowers bloom but it doesn't feel like that_

_It feels like a train had crashed and now I'm only a train wreck."_

"Fucking brilliant!" Charlie said after a while and the boys started clapping, making Todd feel a bit more at ease. All of the other boys, other than Neil, were sure this was about Neil, like probably every other poem Todd wrote. But they didn't mind. They in fact just enjoyed it. Todd sat back next to Neil and expected him to say something but he only smiled. Todd didn't mind Neil being quiet. He kinda liked making Neil lose his words with his poems. 

As the time came for the meeting to come to an end, Neil pulled Todd to the side a bit. Todd looked questioning but said nothing. They waited til the others were far enough. 

"What is it, Neil?" Todd whispered. 

"I uhm...wanna show you something." Neil said and led Todd to the pier and looked at the frozen water. The stars were bright above them and the moonlight was casting a shadow over the two boys. 

"It's beautiful." Todd mumbled just above a whisper. Neil smiled and turned to Todd. "I actually brought you here for a reason."  
Todd didn't say anything. He just turned to Neil and waited for the other to continue. 

"I didn't wanna do it at our dorm...seemed too...dull." Neil shrugged and felt the blush appear on his cheeks. "I wrote a poem to you." 

"For me? You wrote it? Why didn't you read it at the meeting?" Todd raised an eyebrow and looked intrigued how Neil pulled out a paper from his pocket. "Cause it's only for you." 

Todd felt his heart jump to his throat, closing it. His face was growing red and he tried to contain his loud heartbeat. 

"It's not as good as your poems but...I just didn't know how else to put it."

"Let's hear it then..." Todd whispered and waited patiently. 

_"Feels funny when the seasons change and you stay._

_You don't falter or yield,_

_you keep me balanced,_

_god only knows what would happen if the sun lost its moon._

_If I could I'd show you everything,_

_every star and grain of sand,_

_you deserve more than the life itself._

_Even I am not worthy of your gaze or touch,_

_but who am I to blame when you smile_

_you've got me in your clutch."_

Neil slowly put the paper back into his pocket and looked at Todd, ready to be faced with all the consequences. Good or bad, at least Todd knew... please be good ones...

"N-Neil, what...?" Todd made it to splutter out after a silence that was too long to bare. Neil started to panic. 

"I uhm..I like all your parts!" he choked out, making Todd even more confused. He was about to say something but Neil was already rambling. 

"Your hair! The way you part your hair! I like it! Also your eyes and your lips and I also like your laugh! Uhm...just forget it, Charlie thought that was a good idea..." Neil blushed and went crimson. Todd had never seen Neil so nervous. He had a hard time wrapping his head around this. Was Neil...in love with him? 

"Neil, I-" 

"Okay maybe it's better if you don't say anything. I thought I could hear it but I can't. I can't bare this. Just forget I said anything-" 

"Neil!" Todd laughed a little and made Neil finally shut up and look Todd in the eyes. "That poem was beautiful. I loved it...I just...I don't understand." 

Neil sighed shakily and got a bit closer. "Todd, can I...can I kiss you?" 

Todd's eyes widened twice the size and his pupils dilated almost leaving no blue left. "Me?" 

"Yes, you." 

Todd only nodded and Neil lifted his hand to graze Todd's jawline, til he finally slid it under the blonde's chin and lifted it a bit and connected their lips ever so briefly. So softly, barely touching each other. Both scared to move closer, to break the spell and ruin the moment. They both liked it like that. Neil leaned back a little bit, their cupid bows still connected. 

"What it means is I love you, Todd..." Neil confessed quietly. "I thought a poet would read between the lines..."

"The sun and moon reference...was that..." Todd looked into Neil's eyes. 

"Yeah, right now I'm kinda hoping you wrote that poem about me or this is going to be awkward." Neil chuckled a little bit. 

Todd burst into a fit of giggles before pushing himself to kiss Neil fully. Their lips pressed tightly together, Todd's hands cupping Neil's bare neck and Neil's hands on Todd's red, frost bitten cheeks. Todd's mind felt complete. He loved Neil. Neil loved him. What else could he possibly ask for? This was all he ever wanted. Just to kiss Neil in the snow under the stars. 

"This is so cliche." Todd mumbled between their heated kiss. 

"The fireworks are missing." Neil replied as he pulled back. "We should get back." 

* * *

Neither of the boys weren't able to sleep that night. After they got back to their dorm, put their pajamas on and went in their own beds. Neil wasn't going to lie, he was expecting to get to sleep in Todd's bed finally after dreaming about it. And Todd wanted to sleep in Neil's bed just as much but he was being cautious. Once he had what he wanted, he wanted to cherish it with careful grabs and didn't dare to spoil it. 

"Todd?" Neil whispered into the silence. 

"Yeah?" Todd responded in an instant. He had got up on his elbows and was looking at Neil. 

"I tried to kill myself." 

It was silent. Todd was staring at Neil with wide eyes. He had stopped breathing and didn't even notice it when Neil turned his head to him. He let out a breath and blinked. He didn't hear that right. 

"W-What?" 

"That night of the play. I haven't told anyone. Not even Nuwanda or Keating...neither does my father want anyone to know but...I just thought you should have the right to know now that we're...well..." he trailed off and noticed that Todd had moved to sit on the edge of his bed. 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was scared." Neil sat up so he was face to face with Todd now. Oh sweet Todd. Todd could never judge him. He had a sweet but sad look on his face. Kind of hurt. Why did he look hurt?

_Yeah, why is that, Neil? You tried to kill yourself and thought nobody would feel sad? Nobody would feel hurt or anything? Of course they'd be hurt, of course Todd Anderson would be hurt!_

"Scared of what?" Todd whispered. 

"Scared that you were going to be mad at me." 

"Well I am a little bit. But only because for a moment you thought there was no way out other than..." Todd couldn't even finish his sentence. "You won't try again...right?" 

"No of course not! Now that- oh god I'm gonna get real sugary now but...- now that I have you, I'd never do it." Neil pulled Todd for a hug and only now that he blinked he noticed the thick tears flooding from his eyes onto Todd's soft cotton shirt. "Never." 

"Okay." Todd simply said and hugged back. He couldn't even imagine the feeling what Neil had to go through. Thinking that nobody would help him. Todd was scared to ask why Neil tried to do it but for now, this was enough. It must've taken a lot of courage to tell him and Todd was happy Neil did that. Because yes, he deserved to know. Todd had the right to know. Even if they weren't in love, he deserved to know. Because they'll always share a bond no one can replace. No Charlie, no Knox or anyone. Todd was glad he was Neil's safe space. 

"Can you sleep next to me?" Neil asked quietly after a few minutes of hugging. 

"Yeah." the blonde nodded and let go of Neil, who lifted the cover and scooted aside. Todd crawled under the cover and pressed his back against Neil's front. He felt the other one slowly and carefully put his hand around his waist and pull him even closer like Todd could even get any closer. He was already getting a bit hot but he didn't mind it. He sort of liked it. No matter what Neil did with Todd, he always would sort of like it even if he didn't realize it himself. 

He laid there for a moment, until stirring a bit and turning to face Neil who was just as awake. Both of them just looked at each other for a while until Neil left a small kiss on Todd's nose. Then one on his forehead. Both cheeks two times and the corners of his eyebrows. Then a lingering kiss on Todd's lips, which immediately puckered and kissed back. Neil's thigh slid between Todd's and without realizing it, Todd began to hump against Neil's thigh. It was late and both of them were tired but not tired enough to sleep. They just needed this. 

The kisses grew more intense and their hands were roaming each others bodies. Todd's nails were mostly leaving small scratch marks on Neil's shoulder blades while the other one's hands were grabbing Todd's hips where the skin burned hot. After a few minutes of Todd desperately trying to chase something, Neil took a better hold of Todd's hips and rolled them over so Todd was sitting on top of Neil. The smaller one felt Neil's erection through his white boxers. The brunette found himself unbuttoning Todd's shirt and it seemed like an impossible task at this moment. He was feeling so hot and so was Todd's skin. It was gleaming in the moonlight as he rocked his hips against Neil's, pulling out a low grunt from the one under. Todd smiled, feeling successful but that was soon interrupted by a rather loud moan from Todd. 

His face and neck flushed red from the sound he didn't know was possible to come out of him. Both of them were feeling the same knot in their stomachs. Neils hands ran through Todd's chest appreciating the beauty that was in front of him. Todd's thighs began to tremble and he laid on top of Neil, still rocking his hips rather at a fast pace now. Their naked chests were now flushed together, the warmth glowing off and transferring onto one another. Todd had buried his face in the crook of Neil's neck as the other one was whispering small praises into his ear. This made Todd drove off the edge and he shook meaning he had gotten his release and it was the best feeling in the world. For Neil and Todd both. Neil followed close after, surprised that he didn't even touch himself and succeeded to gracefully ruin his underwear. 

Todd, exhausted and sweaty, flopped onto Neil's other side and breathed onto his neck. His other leg was bent over Neil's abdomen as the taller one was slowly sliding his hand on the fabric covered thigh. 

"I..I hope no one heard that..." Todd mumbled. 

Neil chuckled and turned his head. "I think it's a little too late to hope that..." 

* * *

"Nuwanda, what are you staring?" Neil rose his eyes to Charlie who was staring at the two from across the breakfast table. 

The previously mentioned looked at Neil for a moment until turning to the others. "Hey guys. Was it just me or did you guys hear something last night?" 

Todd almost choked on his food and gripped his spoon so hard his knuckles turned white. 

"Now that you mentioned it..." Pitts looked thoughtful. 

Charlie turned his smug gaze back to Neil who was looking annoyed but was still smiling. He mouthed 'stop' to Charlie who moved his eyes to Todd and then back at Neil and tilted his head and looked questioning. 

Neil shrugged and made Charlie roll his eyes but decided to stop teasing the two. 

"They so know!" Todd clutched Neil's arm as they made it back to their dorm after the awkward breakfast. 

"They knew even before we did!" Neil smiled and leaned his face close to Todd's which only showed fear. Neil softened a bit and touched his cheek. "They're not gonna tell anyone." 

"How do you know?" 

"I just do." 

Todd looked quite sad and looked out the window at the snow. There was even more of it now. It all felt fuzzy to him. Had this all really happened in less than 24 hours. 

"Wanna go do something?" Neil came up behind him and kissed him right under the ear. 

"Can we just hang out here. I like when we do that." Todd turned and got an eager nod out of Neil. 

"We can do last nights laundry?" Neil suggested, shrugging a wide grin on his face. 

"I hate you." Todd let out a breathy laugh. 


End file.
